I hate Bend. It seriously brings out the worst in me. I feel lazy, vulnerable, pathetic, bored, etc the list continues but it's basically nothing productive and I feel I'm going back to the old swing of things. It doesn't help the fact that I don't think I'm going to get approved for this Visa to stay in France which probably means I have to stay here and I fucking hate everything here. I don't know what to do anymore, and with the economy being such shit I can't even manage to get a job. I'm disappointed in myself and I can't stand to be here, I see myself falling into the same dark holes I worked so hard to get out of. On top of it, my friend and I got in a huge fight, and I can't seem to get along with my family.


I find myself lost in a vast ocean of irrelevant floating objects.

way too much to catch up on. here is the unfinished entry from my 35 hour trip:

It's 3:30 in the morning, I am now on a boat to London- I left the Paris bus station at 11:00 pm and after finally falling asleep was awakened by customs shortly after. The ferry is supposed to take an hour and then the bus will drive another hour into the city. So far, it's not so bad. Just arrived into Victoria. I was hoping to catch the 7:15 bus to Heathrow but the offices didn't open until 7 so I am catching the 7:45. Good thing I made plenty of extra time for myself. I am a little tired but things are running smoothly and I think it should all be okay. It's not that I can't do it, and don't get me wrong, I like my alone travel time and having inner time to think and blah blah... but really, having a travel buddy makes things so much easier. .. More at the airport.. maybe a post. I can't seem to get internet.

Attention Attention any bags left unattended will be removed and destroyed. It was bad enough they just confiscated my knitting needles... wtf!? Heiro I'm charise-ro here to knit, pearl, and kill! It's 9:30, the bus was about 30 minutes late, it's wet and rainy, but I am now in front of gate 3 with an hour to spare... I think I will watch a movie. Still no internet access, I think this will be delayed at least until tomorrow.

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The trip was fucking long but good. I wrote a message to so and so the afternoon after I'd settled in a bit, but I still haven't heard anything back. It feels good to be here. I arrived in Bend last night and today I drove! haha I haven't seen anyone yet. Today I went shopping with my mom which was nice. I got some tights and she bought me a pair of really rad rampage booties.

I was tempted to go out, but ended up staying in and talked to my friend? Or so I thought, in the past he'd mentioned one day he will marry me blah blah but I always thought he was kidding bc i have a hard time taking that stuff seriously. It came up again tonight after 6 months, and as it turns out he is serious and told me he is going to ask me every day for the rest of his life if I will marry him. It's strange because he's been like my best friend and I even talk about so and so. He even mentioned so and so wasn't good enough for me and could take his *country of which i won't name* ass back to where it came from yada yada. It really threw me off guard and I felt a little bad. Truth is, he's not a bad guy.

I'm tired and weird. I re-joined my gym so I can stay in shape. It's weird having a full fridge and a car to use at my own leisure... for a few months I'm scared I'm going to gain weight.

Anyway I am confused. I don't know what's going on anymore. I'm still trying to sort things out with so and so. I'm afraid because I know I love him, and I know I want him to be in my life, I'm just not sure I want to be WITH him.. or anyone for that matter. Sometimes I really think I was meant to be alone in that aspect.. When I think about it, I'm sad... but when I think about it with someone else.. knowing I'm weird and distant I would be even more sad. I am too young to even be worrying about it, so this is just dumb. This entry is done.

so in a nut shell. Wednesday I walked from Pere Lachaise to Les Halles to meet Elfie around 3 pm. We met with her friends Alex (who I knew), and his friend Ben. We walked around, Elfie bought me an incredible almond croissant and then we went to a cafe. Mohammed met us there, I had an espresso and we all chatted and had good laughs for a few hours. I learned more vulgar words, and then we walked home arriving around 9:30 pm I made pasta with a quinoa patty and green beans and we tried a dessert I'd never had before but it was good. Then we drank tea, giggled, and melted at the perpetual "xoxo" Gossip Girl show we've recently become infatuated with until 4 am.

Today (Thursday) was a late start, waking up around 1, having breakfast and scrambling to get things straightened for a girl who was coming to look at the apartment. Her name is Anastasia and she is really nice. Russian girl from Germany who spent half her life in London moving to Paris for half a year. haha, she is quite interesting but nice. Typical German tho, asking about smoking. We vegged out, watched tv, drank tea and did official Avalanche business, haha. We watched Gossip Girl but Elfie left the room, and knocked the tea pot full of hot water on the floor and we were laughing as she ran to the kitchen where she ran into the garbage can and nearly fell over. It was hilarious. I talked to my dad, my brother is sick, I can't wait to see my family, just a couple days away! ... I am just scared of well, everything.


After I got that message from so and so I decided to let it be- back off a bit and maybe give him a ring or shoot off a message when I got back to the states. Truth is, I asked him to maybe come visit me while I was in Oregon and his response was weird and sort of distant. I talked to him since then on Skype and he surprised me yet again. I was shocked and speechless when he [brought it up- I didn't mention a thing] said he may come. He took it seriously, he's taking us seriously. I don't know what's going to happen, or where this is going- I am scared of myself a little bit. If I'm not ready now, will I ever be?


I feel sort of numb and indifferent to my surroundings. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know where I've been. I don't want to go back to the states. I don't know what I will find in myself when I'm there. I don't know who I was looking for in me here. I don't understand what I'm doing anymore, and how long it will last, I don't know how it's gone on for so long. I don't have a place to settle down, am I ready to settle down? Am I ready to settle down with someone else at my side? What will happen if I keep going on like this. Am I really being prudent about my decisions?

I was thinking today about all my child hood shows. I always forget, and then remember, and think of other ones, so I just wanted to make a master list and perpetually add to it.

Pete & Pete
Alex Mack
Saved by the Bell
Thunder cats
Snorkels
Hong Kong Phooey
Rocky & Bull winkle
Secret Squirrel
New kids on the block
Are you Afraid of the Dark?
Goosbumps
Captain Caveman
The Jetsons
Dinosaurs
Doug
Hey Arnold
Ahhhh real monsters
Clarissa Explains it all
Ghost writer
Angry Beavers
Kablam
Salute your shorts
Ren & Stimpy
All That
Rocko's Modern Life
Jam Girls
Wild Thornbarrys
Nick Arcade
Caitlens Way
Guts
Legend of the Hidden Temple
Invader Zim
The Gummi Bears
Alf
School House Rock
Mr. Men
Gargoyles
Happy Days
Wonder Years
Strawberry Shortcake
My little Pony
Rainbow Brite
Chip n Dale
Bonkers

So today, I booked my flight to go back to the states. I found a great site a few days ago (cheapair.com) It will be really weird to go back to the US because I already sort of came to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be seeing my family for a while- but I'm excited none the less.

Got a reply from so and so, and it's at a point where there is really nothing we can really do to further any type of relationship unless we are together. I was uninspired and pessimistic to reply. I'm not normally down on myself, I am a great person, but with him I don't feel I have anything to offer, he's special-

I went to Bastille with Warren, it's his last night here in Paris before he moves back to Texas. We had a couple kilkeny beers at an Irish pub followed by nutella banana crepes and talked about nonsense.

I came home, made Elfie and I a light dinner white cheddar pasta shells and green beans sauteed in chalets and herbs, and then we watched Gossip girl and ate reeses peanut butter cups.

The count down is on.. 6 more days in Paris

So a lot has happened the last few days, I've been too depressed to write anything. I shouldn't have been surprised because inside I really knew I had to go back to the states to apply for these papers. This should be exciting, I should feel good about seeing my family. But really, I am scared shitless. Truth is, I don't even know if I can cover my plane ticket back home, and I know they can't help me, as it is, I have to jimmy rig the entire trip, I have to take an over night bus to london, then fly out from there.

I'm also scared to come home because I've finally started to become independent, and used to living so far away, and even thinking about the sort of comfort my family provides scares me shitless because I don't know if I will be prepared to come back soon. Then this whole thing with so and so. I asked him to meet me in the states but who knows if it's even a possibility- tho I'd do anything to see him.

I'm really fortunate I have Elfie here, if it weren't for her, I'd just curl up in a ball and stay inside. Today we went to the cemetery to celebrate day of the dead. It was really crazy, there were flowers and cats everywhere. We then made mac and cheese, had tea and biscuits, and watched some girly shows.

Let's see, yesterday was spent inside, it was pouring rain and windy and i went to the boulangerie and market for Elfie. I didn't do anything else really. I couldn't sleep or eat all day/night I slept from apx 6am-9am and had a dream of polaroid pictures but the images were really fuzzy and I couldn't make out what they were but I thought I could see myself and something was going on. Then I woke up in a panic attack thinking I'd missed something really important.

The day before that, Elfie came back from Boston/Montreal and I made pizzas which turned out more like huge bread poofs with cheese topping.

I'll try to keep this up every day. I was right when I said I thought a lot of things would unfold, because they are only just beginning. Who knows what will happen in the next 3 months. I don't know if I'm ready for it right now which isn't like me, I'm usually ready for everything, so I'm disappointed. ugh.

Well more like 2 1/2 in one. I haven't written in a couple days and I'm really pushing to be persistent with this journal.

So Sunday, there is not much to tell because I worked. I left home around 8:30 and was home by 7:30pm. Working at the Rose Bakery is insane. There was a line of people who waited an hour just to be seated. The atmosphere is cool because we are all foreigners from different countries which makes us probably one of the most eclectic restaurants in Paris. It's hard work, but it's worth it. Probably the highlight of my day was seeing a text message from so and so. Apparently he'd tried calling the house a few times and really tried getting ahold of me. I waited until midnight to call him back (due to the time difference) but he left for work already :/ The phone tag was really bugging me.

Monday morning I received an e-mail from so and so with a time to call, so I called him as soon as I got the message. It was the first time I've heard his voice since he left Germany over 2 months ago. I was nervous, it was just so good to talk to him, we talked about me moving there, and I tried convincing him to move here. We decided on visits and seeing what is the most prudent... Just sucks it won't be for at least six months. After our hour chat, the rest of my day was euphoric, I felt like a glitter bomb exploded in my stomach... I really care for this guy. Later in the evening, I saw Tropic thunder with Warren and I asked Warren what he thought about it, he told me things I already knew but the reassurance felt good coming from a guy.

This morning I woke up late- I didn't go to bed last night until 4:30 am which sucks, I have to get back onto a normal schedule. I started some laundry, made tea and now I have to run errands, stop by the Rose Bakery, and meet Phil later for a coffee at the Boubourg. No message from so and so today, his internet box is getting replaced. I felt like calling this morning, but I don't know.. I'm afraid, the feeling I have with him is ... indescribable.

Cool.. So today I went to the boulangerie and got some bread for breakfast, took a shower, and got ready. I studied a little bit of French and then met my friend Laura in St. Germain. We've started sort of a tradition of once a week meeting for a bottle of wine, peanut m&m's, and talking about life, travel, and relationships. We also do yoga together which is nice. She's from Barcelona studying to be an international journalist, she is a fascinating person.

It took a while to get to her house because half of line 3 was out of running order so instead of getting off at remaur sebastapol on line 4 I had to take the 11 and it took an extra 30 minutes. The thing that bothers me the most about it, is usually when they close lines down like that it means someone jumped.

When I came home I had a package from my parents *sweet* it was a ton of stuff from Victoria Secret, as well as cool pricey lotions and lip balms- things I wouldn't get for myself. I'm going through some shit right now (which I'll pick up later) and that really meant a lot.

I called my parents to thank them and we talked for about 2 hours. They are doing fine, but I really miss them. It is a really difficult thing for me to come to terms with the fact that I won't see them for Christmas this year. My mom gave me some good insight though to some of the things I'm dealing with.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I work from 10-6 at Rose Bakery in Pigalle which means I wake up at 8, leave by 9. Probably meet Phil for a coffee at 7 and be home by 9. I like when my days are like that but sometimes it's apparently Sunday is the busiest day of the week.. so I am a little intimidated.

The problem I'm having right now is with immigration. I might have to go back to the states in order to legally file for my working papers. The up side is that I would get to see my family.. The down side is I am flat broke and can barely afford a one way ticket back home. - I will meet with the consulate on Friday to see what they have to say but in the mean time, I am just sort of scared shitless....

Nothing interesting has happened with so and so, but I'm afraid.. I think I need to ask him, or tell him how I feel. Based on conversation, it's there but we haven't been clear about it. I'm afraid if one of us doesn't come out and say something, our flirty messages will move to strictly friends, then we may lose the magic, then? Maybe we don't talk anymore- that's something I'm afraid to lose either way. I just think something needs to be said so we are both on the same page.

Elfie is still gone, now she is in Boston and I really miss her. I wish she was here because she is really good at bringing solace to situations, and right now I could really use a good chat with her.

I decided I should go back to journaling. Man it's been almost 3 years since I've seen my journal and so much has changed.

I'm currently living in Paris France. I just moved here from a small town in Germany. When I was in Germany I learned a lot of things about myself and met some incredible people. I'll never forget my experience there. While I was there, I was working at a gastehaus, and ice cream shop, and a bar called Pearls.

I moved to Paris because when everything seemed impossible, Paris was the only thing that made sense. I've met so many amazing people here from all corners of the world, and several that are from France. I found a job as a waitress in the Marais at a British restaurant called Rose Bakery.

I would like to stay here and maybe even attend school here, but I really miss my family. So much has changed and it's been almost a year since I've seen them.

When I was in Germany, I met someone really special. I can't quite describe our relationship or where it's going but I know we will be friends forever. I've never met someone that I've connected with so well.

I feel like things are just getting started, so I decided to start documenting it.. I shouldn't have stopped and it's always so hard to pick up again- but it's better to start somewhere than not start at all.

I don't want to play your game anymore. They told me not to get my hopes up, but i did. I thought i was right about you, but i was wrong. Its not worth the second chance, its not worth a third or a forth chance. You let me down. I kept thinking it was me, but now i know its not. This is hard for me to say, but im saying it for my own damn good. Leave me alone because it really is over. I won't do this anymore. I can't.

I will never understand what i've always known, and
those around me will never know who i've always known
to be. I hope one day you can see it, and i can see
it too. Why do good things happen to bad people?
I think those people go to hell. Die.
By the way, im never going back to you.

Seattle didn't work out-i ended up in salem with old friends and its been soo awesome-at dylans

farewell broski <33

The signal flares will light the way to the scene of the accident,
where we'll dance like a pile of teeth in a broken mouth.
Such a sick celebration.
Everyone loves a tragedy in epic proportions.
Lets set our hearts at self-destruct.
Like scarlet drips on a white tile floor.
A cardiac metronome.
We'll scrape the guardrail from our teeth and start again.
There's a flood in the infirmary where we'll swim through broken glass.
Our prosthetic limbs will keep us afloat.
Lets set our hearts at self-destruct.